My least favorite part about running groups with children and teenagers is setting rules.
I actually like to call them guidelines. The word rules is so overused in treatment and school settings, I figure they might be more inclined to listen if I call them something different.
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Call them what I want, they’re still rules, and I dread talking about them. I think it’s because I’m feeling some of their dread about hearing them and it also makes me feel like a classroom teacher vs. a therapist.
Group rules are necessary because they help contain the space and keep everyone safe. While some people might not like hearing about them, rules create security for everyone.
This is has been a hot topic of discussion in supervision for my students and employees. Rules are essential for a smooth group process, but it feels like they either don’t care to listen to them or, if they do listen, they disregard them.
How can we make rule-setting a more enticing process for participants?
Today, my student and I tried something new that worked really well with the children. After my student explained what to expect from the group, I announced that it was time to talk about the guidelines. I was holding a bright orange soft ball in my hand.
One person immediately responded, “We already know the rules!” I said, “Great! you can help us explain them to anyone who doesn’t know.”
I set the first rule: “It’s only your turn to speak when you have the orange ball. If you don’t have the orange ball, you are watching and listening only.” Then I asked them to raise their hands if they wanted to share another guideline that would help them feel safe in the group.
A LOT OF HANDS WENT UP!
Okay, maybe some of them raised their hands because they just really wanted to catch and hold the ball, but only 1 person said “I don’t have one, I just wanted the ball.” Everyone else came up with something.
“No pegging the ball.”
“If you don’t have something nice to say to someone, don’t say it at all.”
“Only one person talking at a time.”
“No running out the door.”
Once I repeated all of them together, I said, “If you agree to these guidelines, give us a thumbs up and keep it there so I can see them all.” I then made eye contact with all of them and acknowledged that everyone’s thumbs went up.
This was fun. This was an exciting way to set rules and hold them accountable.
I didn’t feel like a school teacher. I felt like a therapist empowering them to set healthy goals for themselves and each other.
The most exciting part was that throughout the rest of the group, they referred back to the rules if anyone was breaking them. They asked me, “Didn’t we set a rule for that?” I said “Yes!” and then reinforced the guideline currently being broken. It felt pretty great that I wasn’t the only one feeling passionate about the rules. Usually I’m the only one reinforcing them throughout session.
The accountability piece also had a different feel to it. A lot of times, they call each other out in an unhealthy way, with curse words, blaming, and the works. Today, it was more like, “Hey, remember our agreement?” They didn’t use those exact words, but it was all healthy and civil.
Have you felt a similar dread, disregard, or inadequacy with rule-setting? If you have your own successful experiences, please leave a comment and share them! I’d love to hear about it.